So I realize I started this five part series about getting real, then disappeared. What can I say, Life Happens... And thank goodness it does!! I have since relocated to a much more desirable nest. Yes, I said nest! Because when you learn to fly, you no longer need "dwellings" as much as you need a Place to just rest for a bit. Upon arriving and settling in, in my new nest; you know spreading feathers about, and finding the good feeding spots, I noticed my modern day air card does not have reception! How blessed I am, a beautiful sign for me to close my beak... Before I started squaking! I can not, no let me re-phrase, I will not apologize for the lack of a heads up because I was following the signs. It also turns out, my phone and tv reception are limited as well. I have taken this as a time to listen and learn. To reflect. With that being said, and apart from the "Getting Real" series I do feel compelled to share what this Hallow's Eve brought to me. Also, how fitting it is in old fashioned time delay due to flying to a temporary coop with reception the day after to share! Talk about getting back to the basics!! Without further ado my thoughts from last night thinned veil!!
Thinks be careful to the words you speak to others, be vigilant with those you speak to yourself.
Hallow's eve, I retreated to honor my family, the people who knew me when I was little, the people who knew me; me, me!!! The me before I grew up and made what allowed to be labeled unforgivable mistakes. Not that I didn't make mistakes as a child, but they were learning mistakes. Then we grow up with this programming and our learning mistakes, even ones we make over and over again become doing what we know is wrong. Well who says??? Why do we hold ourselves more accountable because we have more years behind us? Have we been this age, this body, this predicament before? Why should we know better? Did we only fall off our bike once when we were six? Well some of us yes. But I bet there are those who still have training wheels. Why is there a value placed on how fast and how much we learn and when?
Why is it not just important that we are living and learning? Why is it not appropriate that if we mess up at 35, the same circumstance will arrive at 36 or 40? Or 50 for that matter! Why do we let others, in essence ourselves judge where and how and what we should be?
When we learned to walk, we fell and fell and hit our bums, no body said oh that's bad! No, they say try again and again.... Never give up, and out of determination and tears and trust in those watching we try and try again. Did we feel humiliation? NO!!! Frustration maybe, but frustration is a beautiful self motivator! It comes from within. It is not external!!! It is the sole reason we didn't continue to fall! Why? Because we found our own balance! Aha!!!! Balance!
So why when we make a mistake as an adult are we told we should have known better? Who does this? But more importantly why do we allow it to matter?
That is my question on this Hallow's Eve, this night of honoring those that touched our life. I feel blessed they passed when I was young and my mistakes were innocent and during that process of thinking, I hear " Angel " ( my Nana ) your mistakes are still innocent. I hear my grandfather laugh and say "does innocent matter?" "What did you learn?" Then I hear my father, say "I watched all your mistakes, your adult mistakes and when are you going to get it little girl, the only person you answer to is you. Your born alone, you die alone, you wake up god willing alone, and when you fall asleep regardless of what you have surrounded yourself with, you sleep alone. If your mistakes, lessons, life, all of it, if it makes you happy, then fall on your ass everyday, just know your the only one that can pick you up. And by the way, all those external cheers, all that back slapping comes at a price. You make someone laugh, they are going to want you to make them laugh for the rest of your life. Count on you....." With tears streaming, and my head throbbing, the air, the room, becomes dense.... it's the veil... It is closing....
We have no time for shame
We have no time for blame
We do what we know always innocently until we know better.
And if we do for others what we will not do for ourselves, on our asses we will fall. Again and again.
And sometimes we fall on our asses because we have lost our own frustration, our own secret motivation- regardless of who's watching! We have lost our balance. Good news is, we are the only ones who can get it back!!!
In gratitude, let me wake up tomorrow and gift myself whatever forgiveness I think I need.
Allow me the courage to not care who is watching, and find my own gift. My own frustration. My own desire.
Let me hold myself as a child, alone and learning. Let me look in the mirror and know I am different, I am special. And just because you couldn't doesn't mean I can't. Finally, let me spread my wings and be the Angel I have always been.
With love, let me fall on my ass!
Namaste... A girl and her Dog!!
