How the girl met the dog...

As I sat in a law firm today going over the ins-outs, failures, misunderstandings, about myselff and my soon to be ex-husband, it seemed appropriate that I now explain how "A Girl and her Dog" came to be.... How we met. My marriage was dead, actually it was never "alive" It was two people who thought they knew themselves that made a business agreement to start over after seven years of trying to make it work. Needless to say it didn't take long until we could add that to our own list as well as the other's of blame shame guilt and sadly willing to be with someone and be miserable then have the courage to possibly be happy alone. I had always had pets, I had been bringing home strays since I was a child. In fact my husband, was very much like a lost stray that I made the mistake of thinking just needed someone to love him. It turns out, he just needed someone to despise more then himself.
After years of emotional abandonment of my own doing, as I wasn't chained in a basement or anything. I decided to go to the local shelter and find someone, something...to just love me. See that's the wonderful thing about animals, they do what we can most times only imagine. As I walked up and down the aisles looking at one pleading face after another, I was resolved in all my hurt and bitterness to "just look." I came across a fawn colored lab mix, she was scared, sweet, passive, she was in essence me. She upon kneeling down and coaching her to the front of the cage very ill. The whole time I was trying to persuade this little doll to give me an ounce of trust, there was this crazy loud jumping black dog; crying, barking and literally tearing at the grated door. I waved over a person who worked there, and upon his looking at her whisked her off to the back to See the vet. I decided to wait to see if she'd be ok. Since I was waiting, I decided to turn around and see this crazy obnoxiously frantic black mess with a scar between his eyes, and pay him some attention thinking maybe he would quiet down. As I walked over to him, my mom standing just behind me, he sat down and put one calm paw up on the grate door. I bent down and placed my hand on his paw. His eyes caught mine, and mine his. Then that mirror thing happened, you know when you look at something and identify with it immediately? Like looking in a mirror! Not a single difference. I wanted to be that female fawn dog; sweet demure, cautiously trusting, even sick (so I would have a reason for where I was.) But, the truth was, my real mirror was right behind me. Faking it, making the most noise, trying to be the most social and get attention, even though when it is paid to me I wasn't quite sure what to do with it. That was Dudley!! The second we locked eyes, we both knew, we were scared, we were at the end of our roads, but we were going to go down barking! And as soon as we stopped to pay attention to each other, he became calm, a little skittish, then tried to get excited again to bluff me. And I stayed down but got excited too. The man came back to tell me the other dog was too ill for adoption. I told him I hoped she'd be ok, but could I spend some time with Dudley. The man grabbed a leash and he eagerly followed the man, wanting to please. A-HA!! He was a  people pleaser too! He would saddle up to whomever he thought he was stuck with to make the best of it. We walked out to the yard and the man cut him loose. He did it again, running around, showboating, chasing toys, putting on the whole show. As I stood there and watched him I knew just what he was doing.....he was surviving. A little grace, a lot of fake, but by god he was going to survive. I called his name and bent down again to receive him. He instantly sat, and a paw on each knee looked me in the eye. It was as if he said, your not so different then me....I see you. And, I in turn saw him and myself. The miracle was, the second I realized it, he kissed me. I looked at the man and said how do I take him home? I couldn't even let him go while I filled out the paperwork. Worst yet was my huge fear that a home inspection and references called, and how long would he have to stay? How would he understand, I wasn't breaking my promise, it was the facilities rules. The woman who interviewed me, saw my eyes well when they went to take him away. She intervened, and said let him stay with her. So between me and mom he played with us both, as I filled out all the forms wrote the check, etc. She looked at him, then looked at me and said you can take him with you today, now if you like. I have been volunteering for years, and I know love when I see it. I cried with absolute relief, and new mom panic.... I had just went to look. I had nothing for him. None of that mattered, and I swear my Dudley (who walks like Dudley Moore in Arthur-drunk) walked out the front door with his leash in my hand, tasted freedom and went absolutely bizerk!! Pulling and running, panting, licking me, he ran circles around the car.  Funny thing is 10 months later when we moved into our very own apartment on our own, I ran around it room to room just like he did the car. Every day, Dudley teaches me another lesson. The first one being the day I met him. He taught me who I really was, and that, that was perfectly ok!!
Needless to say, the first thing I did when I left the lawyers was go get my four legged Buddha, and we hit the trail. We've been together three years. There was mud shin high and fallen trees. Every couple feet, he would look back at me as if to say "We came for a reason, let us not be stopped." So through the mud we went, over the fallen trees we climbed. When we hit a down slide by the river, he looked at me then jumped in. It was over his head, but he popped up and started swimming, he's fearless. And so am I. I jumped in too.
As we climbed and clawed back up on the bank we were surrounded in this purple tinted sunshine as we sat there. So my thinking is this. In the law firm today, I allowed all those terrible things to "hurt" me again. I relived every moment with every question. Left over soul cleaning maybe....or maybe I allowed myself to feel it one last time, so I would never have to feel it again, but at the end of the day Dudley (my Buddha) and I are brave, a little loud, we jump before we know how deep, and we climb as high as we need to, to get where we wanna go.... to sit quietly with one another reaffirming our love, those that love us, and most of all, the place we were sooooo long ago, is gone now. As I looked down to kiss him on his wet head as he sat content beside me, he looked up and licked my wet face. His was of saying, see mom....we made it. We made it our way. There's too much fun ahead to look back too long, whether it's good or bad. Dudley greatest gift to me wasn't unconditional love, it's not total acceptance. Those were things I needed to give my self. His greatest gift was patience for me to catch up and just be in the moment..... With many blessings, my wish is that you look in a mirror whether it be an animal or an actual mirror and love yourselves. It is the first step to real freedom. And all the good stuff just comes flowing to you after that.
With much much love, and absolute gratitude.... A Girl and her Dog!!